Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
