Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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