He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
