did you get engaged???
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
