Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
