No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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