please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
