Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
