I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
