So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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