I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
