someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
