WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
