he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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