If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
