I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
