My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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