I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
this boner is exhausting
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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