I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
