nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
