giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
