I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
