she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
