Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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