he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
you had me at cake vodka
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
