well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
