So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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