I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
