that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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