but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
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I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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