apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
