Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
