I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
