3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
