I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
