Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
