the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So many bounce houses so little time
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
