We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
