I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
