i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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