Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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