Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
