The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
