If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
