it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
