My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
