i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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