No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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