No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
