We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
