I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
