Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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