oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
