Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
