apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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