at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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