When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
