ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
