I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
