the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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